Fighting for balance in 2017

I have seen many people closing the books for 2017 by writing about their learning and successes last year. I have been quietly thinking my year and if I want to reveal to everyone how it was. But as I have chosen my path as a coach I feel natural and a bit obligated sharing my year with you. So, here it comes...

I am in a middle of huge transformation and everything kicked off at the beginning of 2017. I decided finally chase my dream of being a professional coach and trainer. I was between jobs and I felt I had nothing to lose. Have you noticed before that if you start talking about your dreams and goals they just start to happen? Well, that just happened to me. I got the dream job I wanted and I decided finally to get certified as a coach. Now almost one year after making the decision I know it was the best one I have ever made.

I remember thinking in May when we were on a holiday with family in Croatia that finally after a heavy year life is getting more and more in balance (2016 I suffered burnout and my older son got sick with type 1 diabetes). When we came back home I received sad news from my mother. She had cancer. Even now when writing this I get overwhelmed with the feeling I had.

Since then it has been a fight for balance in my life. How can continue my "normal" life knowing she might die? It has been in my mind and subconscious 24/7. Despite all the problems in a relationship with a mother and a daughter, she was the one who gave me birth and loved me unconditionally as a child. Despite of being like day and night she is my mother and I lover her. Summer went by and I managed to take care of my work and family, to some extent of myself as well. I enrolled for the coaching training.

On 24th of September my younger son had his fourth birthday and it was the first time we received a call from the hospital that they don't know if she will survive over the night. She did, but I did not. I fell into a "mental coma". I couldn't think anymore, everything at home and work became a fight for survival. I worked on and off. I felt like betraying my colleagues, friends, family, everyone because not being able to handle it.

At the same time I carried on with my coaching training in Norway. It was a get away of the situation but also demanding and challenging. Many times before the training weekends I was thinking if I should skip it, but I thought I needed something in my life that kept me going forward. I didn't want to give up on my dream.

On 15th of November we received information from the hospital that nothing that can be done to cure my mother and she will be transferred to a terminal care home. I collapsed. We didn't know how much time was left. I left home to be with her for the next few days. Those were actually the best days together we have had for a long time. I was being off sick from work and agreed to work only three days a week when I get back.

At the end of the year I returned to work. Life continued and I felt much better after having time to go through it all. I know there will be difficult times ahead. But despite of all the sadness and grieving I have learned a lot about myself and life. I will again be a bit better version of me.

What helped me to survive until now was ability to speak out and tell people what is happening. Being authentic, showing feelings and admitting to myself that I need to make changes to my life. Coaching training helped me to know myself better: values, purpose, feelings, perspectives, everything. It became clear what I want to do in my life and had the courage to start doing it. My coaching buddies, my tribe, supported me in this in an amazing way. They allowed me to be myself and loved me for that.

What was my learning? Know who you are and it will help you to navigate through difficult times. Follow you purpose and make your decisions appreciating your values. Live your life fully, have fun and enjoy with the people you love. Love yourself as you are. It is important to live in the moment.

Love <3

Marika

PS. My 2018 started with good news from my mother on 2nd of January. She told me that the cancer has not been spread aggressively. She might survive after all. What a relief. This will be a good year after all.